i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
