There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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