I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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