take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
