So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
