Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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