do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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