so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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