The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
