we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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