I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
