you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
