K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
