I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Houston, we have a squirter
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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