I am puke
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
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i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
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I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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