Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
