I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
You did what with his pubic hair?
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