But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Randomize
