EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
