Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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