He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Someone came in the potted fern
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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