He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
This house was built for laser tag.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
