His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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