i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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