Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
