i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
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