It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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