my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
