Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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