i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
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