I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
