how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
