My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
