Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
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