I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
