Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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