come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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