They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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