The maid of honor just puked.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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