C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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