she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
