Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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