just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
