took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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