Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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