Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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