She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
