I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
