Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
