i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
