walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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