So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
