if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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