Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
