I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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