Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
